I don't know how many times I was told to "just relax." Yes because relaxing will just make things happen, sperm will just magically decide to do the job they were made to do even though millions on them before had no clue what to do. Seriously, don't ever tell someone struggling with infertility to relax and it'll happen. I know people mean well and just want to help, but it was never helpful. The advice that was helpful was the advice from our specialist and his team or from others going through or having gone through it themselves.
So what is my point of doing this post? Well as someone who struggled for nearly 3 years to get pregnant I want to share some advice both to those struggling with infertility and those who know someone struggling with infertility. Take it or leave it, but I wanted my advice to be out there.
To those struggling with infertility
-Don't wait to find out why things aren't happening. I was told in that 1st year to not worry about going to the doctor to find out why were weren't getting pregnant by many people, so I waited until about a year had passed which just happened to line up with my yearly appointment with my OB. If I had gone in sooner to find out why my periods were not regular when they had been before I went on the pill, it would have saved us some serious heartache and depression. So don't wait, save yourself some tears and pain.
-Try to be understanding of the people who just don't get it. Unfortunately the majority of the people around you haven't been through this, but they still want to be there for you but probably don't know the best way to do that. If you're more understanding it'll make your life easier, and you'll be able to see that people really do care.
-Do things that make you happy. Infertility SUCKS and it is emotionally draining and sometimes it just leaves you in a cloud of unhappiness. And it's easy to just stay in that cloud and feel bad, and sometimes you need to just be sad. BUT I recommend doing things that make you happy. Whether it's being with your fur baby, getting a manicure, getting a massage, riding your horse, reading a book, or whatever. Do something for you that makes your life happy. You'll need it when things look black. Life can still be happy when going through infertility, though it isn't easy it is possible. As someone on the other side of the struggle, know that attaining that pregnancy isn't going to magically make your life happy. Find happiness in what life is whatever stage you are in.
-Don't forget your spouse. Before you were trying to expand your family it was just the 2 of you, and you loved the idea of being with just that person and being together. Your spouse WILL deal with this differently than you and at different times, but it doesn't mean they aren't invested in this with you and want to support and be there for you. There were many times I felt alone and like my husband just didn't care, and I was SO wrong. More than anything make sure that you are communicating with your spouse in EVERYTHING. Share this journey/struggle with them.
-Start saving now. There are a lot of options out there, and find out what option fits you best. Almost every option out there is going to cost money. IUI cycles cost money. IVF costs A LOT of money. Adoption can cost lots of money. And having a baby costs money. We started saving early so we would be prepared for whatever options we had to take to have a baby, and I am so grateful we did. The cost of infertility can be a burden on you, so start saving right away.
To those who know someone struggling with infertility
Here are some advice/questions to not say to your infertile friend.
-"Just relax and it'll happen." When has telling someone relax actually helped someone to relax? Telling someone to relax will always make them anxious. If you think someone "needs" to relax telling them that you are there for them and you care and that you are thinking or praying for them are WAY more relaxing and comforting than being told to "just relax."
-"Why don't you just adopt?" As wonderful as adoption is, it doesn't always fix the problem. For most people infertility is more than just becoming a parent. If you are really wanting to know if they have thought about the option of adoption, just ask "What are your thoughts about adoption?" or something along those lines. More likely than not they have thought about it, and have an answer for you. Saying "just adopt" trivializes what they are actually going through, I mean their bodies are not doing what they were made to do and that is really hard for people (it was for me).
-"I know how you feel" or "I understand." I know you want to have some empathy or compassion for this person, but that is not the way to do it. Instead let them know you are sorry, that you care, that you are there for them. There are so many things you can say to help them feel your compassion, but you don't need to make a claim that to them is so false.
-Nothing. Don't just ignore them or their struggle. I was far more grateful for the people that acknowledged what we were going through when they shared their pregnancy news or birth announcements with us. That acknowledgement allowed me to actually be happy for them, instead of being sad for what I didn't have. Even saying "hey I don't really know what to say about what you are going through but know I am your friend" can be the perfect thing to say.
To both groups, understanding and open communication can make a lot of difference.
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